The English workplace

We all know 'David Brent' sets a realistic working standard!

Somebody had to write it one day. A complete guide to the English workplace as observed by me. Perhaps the causes of all England’s social and domestic problems. (The workplace that is… not me, yet…)

First of all, allow me to define the workplace. We all work in many different environments, I myself am accustom to the typical 9 – 5 office bore. Even as I write this, I am interrupted by phones, emails, people with cakes and coffee, people chatting casually about the same subject they did at the same time yesterday, it’s all one big boring routine.

I work in the typical office. I Have done since I was 16! I’m now 20 so I think my 4 years of offices counts for something, if not a little. I’ve worked in different sized offices, from large multi-nationals to small time window makers…. Now im currently at the largest UK employer.

Now I know there are a few of you currently muttering to yourself ‘4 years, that’s nothing! I’ve been here for 20!’. Well to you people? I pity you. 4 years for me is a long time of the same old routine and being young and restless, I’ve had enough!

The English workplace is like no other workplace. Its much worse. We already know basic facts; we work the longest hours in Europe; We drink more coffee then any other nation, and my favourite; We don’t actually manufacture anything. All this leads to quite a poisonous set of circumstances…. Idiots in the workplace followed by NO morale!

Now im basing my information on all 4 jobs. Over this time I have made some interesting observations. Each UK office finds the same sort of people. I have compiled a small (but far from definitive!) list. Please feel free to gather round someone’s PC and point out who is who in your office… It’s far more enjoyable then some old lady bringing in a cake once a month, promise!!

Starting from the least clever (and popular) to the breadwinner:

Title: Chief Exec
Other name(s): Director, Chairman, Gov, Head
Main Role: Looks like an over-retired police officer and cant seem to fathom what is happening around them. Try to maintain moral by installing a new water cooler every 12 – 18 months, sends out over-complicated emails that confuse even the second in command.
Usually Spotted: Never, but once or twice a month walking around ‘meeting the herd’. Sometimes in office looking at the wall.

Title: Finance Manager
Other names: Bean-counter, Mr Smith
Main Role: To have a level head, and push through the others to get things done. His\her superior knowledge of the organisation always ensures they get what they want, however they generally try to break all the rules to get there.
Usually Spotted: Never, always heard on phone or through email. Sometimes seen on the golf course.

Title: Project Manager
Other Names: Berk, Twat, Dumbass, ‘I made my own job title’
Main Role: Cruise in, drink coffee, ‘network’, drink more coffee, eat lunch, drink coffee, bore colleagues with their ‘visions’, then go home and change into a McDonalds employee attire.
Usually Spotted: Everywhere, you can’t NOT loose these people, ALWAYS in the canteen, and where tea\coffee making facilities are found.

Title: Sales Manager
Other Names: Bob, Terry, Frank, Sales Assistant, Trainee, ‘Your Best Friend’
Main Role: To nod, agree, be common yet assertive in conversation… even if you are just talking about your weekend. Then finally when you believe it’s a human your talking to, to slip in some buzz words about some inferior product he\she has married.
Usually Spotted: You don’t spot them, THEY spot you.

Title: Team Leader
Other Names: Usually their name will suffice :P
Main Role: To act as the ‘parent’ for the lesser specimens of life. To be the good\bad guy day in day out.
Usually Spotted: Mostly in your place of work, floating around somewhere between your desk and some place you usually HAVE to be glued to in order to work.

Title: Systems Administrator
Other Names: Director, Chairman, Gov, Head, Root
Main Role: The completely relaxed (on the outside ONLY) systems admin who is safe in the knowledge that they know more about complicated things then anyone. Has secret access to EVERYTHING in the organisation so knows its direction better then the chief exec. Extremely sarcastic as a result of all the sub-human intelligence questions they receive all day.
Usually Spotted: Rarely seen in the flesh, generaly exists over the small mess of cables running through the walls and under your desk.....

The following specimens do not have specific job roles but they are found in every workplace and deserve a mention, see if you can spot them where you are!

Title: The Office Floater
Description: Every office has one. Someone who never seems to come from anywhere or do anything and can be found suddenly appearing at your desk with coffee in hand informing you of the latest wonders of the world. Advantages\Disadvantages: Can be very useful on slow boring days when nothing is happening however can be very irritating when having a ‘everyone works but me’ day and they only emphasise on that fact.

Title: Mr By The Book
Description: A complete nerd who works more hours then a typical plane spends in the air. THEN complains how many hours they work. Never allows for ‘out of the box thinking’ and never wants to make the workplace an ‘easier’ place to work because work should be hard and painful. Knows every single law, procedure and policy (and constantly reminds EVERYONE of them).

Title: The old and institutionalised
Description: Someone (or something) who has been at your workplace longer then anyone else, and is probably rumoured to have started the organisation. Knows everyone and everything, including the most important bits of information like the coffee suppliers phone number and every single ‘customer identification’ number the company has. Is usually the only one with a plant of the desk (except the secretaries of course!)

Title: The Cruiser
Description: Someone who WILL end up like The old and institutionalised if they are not careful. Quite young but has still been working in the same job for a while. Totally not interested in promotion or self-betterment and is quite comfy doing the same dull thing day in, day out. Sadly, most of us are in this category.

Title: The lovable cleaner!
Description: An old person who loves cleaning the place, always extremly chatty (even when your on the phone) and loves to do a good job of everything. Smells a little funky, but you can’t help look at the smiling, care-free face.

Title: The Secretary
Description: Either completely dumb and barely knows how to use the phone or secretly smarter then the rest of their colleagues and actually could save the organisation millions of pounds, however.. ‘No time for that! Have filing to do!’.

Have you had fun!? Or do you all feel very upset and depressed…? I believe us British public degrade this way due to the routine, the long hours, and the excessive coffee intake and the way we rely on the select few too much.

Hopefully I haven’t offended you too much (unless you deserve it!) and please, I am ever trying to add to this list, so if you have to contribute, please let me know!

© The-serpent.co.uk